Examining My Faith

I spent the weekend examining my faith in God and questioning why he does the things that he does. Why he puts beautiful, innocent children on the earth, only to take them away before they have a chance to live a full life; yet he allows people on the earth who steal, lie, cheat, or kill and then show no remorse for their actions. It just didn’t make sense to me.

All weekend, I looked at my two beautiful boys and kept telling myself how fortunate that I am that I do not have to endure the pain that my good friend is going through right now after loosing her son. When I would get angry at Jack or Mason for not listening to me, for hitting the other, or for stealing the others toy, I’d quickly find myself saying to myself that it wasn’t fair that I was able to do that but that my friend wouldn’t be able to do that with her son anymore because he was gone. Or that that sweet little boy wouldn’t be able to enjoy Halloween candy again, or enjoy swinging on a swing because his life was cut short. It just didn’t seem fair to me. If there was someway that I could take away the pain for that family, I would in a heart beat. But all I can do is offer my support and condolences and to me, that doesn’t seem to be enough.

I DO believe in God and I know that we are all put on the earth for a reason and that we all have a purpose in our life. What that purpose is we may never know. Our life is preplanned for us and how we live our days on the earth are up to us but ultimately, it is up to HIM to determine when our time is over and we are called back home.

But then it hit me that although his time on earth was short, that little boy touched many people in ways that he will never even know. He taught many people about faith, perseverance, hope, love, determination and strength. Whether it be his Doctors, his nurses, his Pastor, friends of his Mommy’s, his immediate family members or strangers who may have seen him during a visit to their local Zoo, without his knowing it he taught them to never give up and to savor every day that we have because you never know when it will be your last. He, through is pain and suffering, brought forth an awareness of Congenital Heart Defects and how they can impact a life and how much more needs to be done to hopefully allow another child to live longer in the future from what the Doctors may have learned from him.

I DO believe that he is in a better place now. A place where there is a cure for his illness and that he is no longer suffering or in pain. A place where the sun shines every day and he is smiling and happy and able to play and behave like a 3-year-old child should. A place where he is doing everything that he was unable to do because of his CHD. And at the same time, he is watching down over his family and is showing them signs of comfort and his well-being and will ALWAYS be their guardian angel.

Today my anger has subsided and has been replaced by sadness. Sadness that will stay until I find what it is that I can do to feel as though I have personally made an impact as a result of this loss. That something that will allow ME to always remember the impact that a small little boy made on MY life and hopefully share some of it with others.